Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
