Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
