I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
