You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
