I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
