Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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