WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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