Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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