I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
