a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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