Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
