Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
