Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
