3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
