i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
im six kinds of drunk right now
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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