i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
