I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
