I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
