Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
