Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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