she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
