I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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