I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
