I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
