Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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