Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
