4 words: hood of his car
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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