Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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