Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
