Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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