I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
