My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
