Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
