I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
