what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
