my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
