So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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