my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
