I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
