Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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