im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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