My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
