So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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