Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
