I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
