Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
