I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
