He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
