If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Damn victory sex feels great
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
