If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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